Break-Up Survival Guide
"How could you not love me? I am fucking awesome!" The words flew out of my mouth before I even knew what was happening. My boyfriend of 4+ years had just broken up with me over the phone.
I was volunteering at the Painted Turtle, a sister camp to the one I worked at, and was lying in my bestie Kenz's bed while she finished up at her office. I hadn't even seen Kenz yet, and our entire trip—which we had planned full of giggles and gossip—was irretrievably altered.
I knew things weren't going great with Mark. He had moved to New York for a "gap year" between undergrad and medical school to earn an additional master's in Nutrition. He was surrounded by wealthy nerds, just like himself, and he seemed to be loving it. I myself had landed my dream job and was surrounded by camp geeks—my people! When I had last visited and he put me in a cab to the airport, we kissed and I thought to myself, "What if this is the last time we kiss?" At the time, I knew it was an odd thought to have. It turned out to be the truth.
He started dating someone about two weeks later and is now married to her. After the breakup, I often wondered: do you hope he marries the girl he left you for? Or do you want them to break up? I landed on wanting them to be together forever but hoping they were always slightly less happy than I was at any given moment. (Whoops! Sorry I'm not perfectly kind all the time!)
But now, with 12 years of distance, my own wedding, a cross-country move, and a global pandemic behind me, what I remember most about this time in my life was my unwavering self-confidence and Kenz's unrelenting friendship.
We ate In-N-Out Burger (now one of my go-to "sad" meals), walked along Venice Beach, were the only two in an entire movie theater, and trash-talked my ex. (Again, sorry I'm not perfect.)
I knew this breakup didn’t mean I was damaged. That it was more about Mark and his journey, than me being “not enough” or “too much”. I knew it was for the best. But Mark was my best friend. We were best friends in high school, dated seriously throughout college, and our families were extremely intertwined. I lost my first love, but I still had myself, the best support circle of friends, and years ahead of me. Here are my rules for surviving a breakup:
Text one person from each circle of your life to help you spread the news.
Purchase a new lipstick. Revlon is my favorite drugstore brand—make it a bright and fun color! (Cherries in the snow, Fire & Ice, and Red Bombshell - are some of my favorites)
It's okay to be sad; you should be sad. You're grieving the future you had envisioned. But don't forget you can be mad too. Anger will pull you through to the other side.
Have a "breakup buddy" or two with whom you share all the details. After a separate breakup, I shared too much with too many people, and I wish I could take that back now. Keep a large social circle after a breakup, but keep a tight inner circle. Set a date that you will stop blabbing about your ex—I even got tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over. Journals are great at keeping secrets and help you get your thoughts out of your head in a secure manner.
Someday, this will all make sense in the rearview mirror, but that advice doesn't help in the moment. Work out, hang out with your friends, date, don't date, try new recipes, dance in your kitchen, cry, cut your hair—you have a "get out of jail free" card for a few weeks anyway.
Plan something for yourself to look forward to. I cried my way through Nashville. It was nice to be out of my old routine and exploring a new town—new music, new food, new memories (without your groddy ex).
You should block the other person. I know, easier said than done. I love using my new "brick" to help me uphold boundaries I can't uphold on my own. I texted Mark for way too long after we broke up. The only thing that truly helped was time and falling in love again. Be kind to yourself.
Say yes to any and all invitations. Get out of your comfort zone, get dressed up, put on that new lipstick. I found myself in many a situation that makes for great stories now. (Want a sneak peek? Look up "that 1 guy" on YouTube.)
Have a "breakup" show to watch. Preferably one that makes you laugh. My go-to? Parks and Recreation.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't second-guess yourself for a moment—you are fucking awesome. Try not to second-guess yourself or your actions. It's truly about them, not about you.
Bonus tip: A great burger and a great friend can cure just about anything.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but baby, you don't even know the wonderful things waiting for you on the other side of this breakup! I can't wait to cheer you on.
This past June, Kenz and I got to attend one another's weddings back to back. We scream-sang "Cruel Summer" on the dance floor, married the loves of our lives, and joked about how Mark ruined my first trip to L.A. Funny how life works out.
